


Okay

by groundedreamer



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Angst, Confessions, Fluff, Humor, M/M, Promises, Reunions, Trust Issues, meeting after a long time, that need to be worked out
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-16
Updated: 2016-01-16
Packaged: 2018-05-14 06:27:49
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,772
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5732917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groundedreamer/pseuds/groundedreamer
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Killua and his road to forgiveness ft. seven pit stops</p>
            </blockquote>





	Okay

**Author's Note:**

> This was a super self-indulgent fic. I was re-watching hxh again and wanted to write the angsty aged-up fic I'd been wanting to for a while. 
> 
> Takes place seven years after the end of the show, so they're about 21 in this.

_I._

“Killua.”

Gon. Gon is standing at his door, arm raised in a hesitant hello. He’s taller. A bag is slung on his back. He is one long line of electricity that jolts through Killua.

Gon, his best friend. Everything he’s been missing for the past seven years has been given back to him in an instant. He wants to jump over the threshold and pull Gon to him. He wants to hear Gon’s laugh. He wants to breathe in his familiar scent and feel at home again. Killua’s grip on the door knob tightens. His fingers are trembling and so are his lips. Killua pulls them in until his quaking mouth is a thin line and his hands are cracking the metal underneath his fingers.

“Gon... “

Gon’s nervous face clears slightly at the sound of his name and he opens his mouth. He looks like he’s going to take a step toward Killua. A step closer to him, a step back into his life. Killua instinctively jerks backwards. His body has been beaten, bruised, and mutilated into automatically protecting him from oncoming threats. Even if his brain and heart refuse to.

He can’t.

He can’t.

Killua slams the door shut.

 

 

  
_II._

It’s a special torture having Gon in the house. He is everywhere all at once it seems: cooking with Alluka, helping Ikalgo move boxes of books into the back, dusting hard to reach places, and laying on the couch reading.

Everywhere.

But Alluka had invited Gon to stay without a second thought and Ikalgo was more than pleased to have “Killua’s friend” in his house.

Killua ignores him.

He thoroughly ignores Gon when he tries to ask permission to stay (after the fact he had received it _and_ ignoring that it wasn’t Killua’s place to give or take permission).

He ignores Gon when he tries to slide over a plate of pancakes in the morning. He ignores his constant hovering aura that pokes and prods at him. He ignores the sudden brown hand that hands him the newspaper, scissors, book, that he had been looking for. He ignores the hesitant feet shifting side-to-side outside his bedroom door. He ignores the dull throb in his own chest.

 

  
Killua hasn’t spoken a word to him yet.

 

 

  
_III._

Killua walks into the living room and flops into an armchair. His legs hang over the armrest as he twists to grab the tv remote. The previous occupants of the room have quieted, carefully waiting for his response. Killua ignores them soundly. He cycles through all their channels once (there’s only six) and settles on a gameshow.

Alluka and Gon are looking at him nervously. He turns the volume up slightly and stays silent.

“So, Gon, what were you saying?” Alluka asks in a rather pointed voice. Killua ignores her.

“Oh, um, well we saw this _huge_ whale. It was amazing, almost as big as this street probably. And—”

Killua’s eyes never left the tv screen. Every five minutes, he’d raise the volume just a little bit, so Gon was near yelling 30 minutes later. He lowers the volume after Alluka _and_ Nanika yell at him. But he doesn't move from his spot for two hours, not until Gon is stretching and yawning and finished telling his stories for the night.

After Alluka and Gon leave for bed, Killua doubles over, his head in his hands.

 

 

  
_IV._

There is a carefully folded piece of fabric resting on his bed. He picks up a note that reads:

_Killua, this is for you. I made it a few years ago. The color reminded me of your eyes. If it’s okay, can I make you a hat too?_

Killua unfolds the fabric in his hands, realizing it's a scarf. It flows through his hands like water. It feels firm, soft, and picks up the warmth from his fingers easily. It would be comfortable, Killua thinks, and the color does match his eyes. He folds it up carefully and leaves it on his dresser.

The next day, Gon and Alluka were waiting for him at the door. Killua walks down the stairs, hands in his coat pockets and a blue scarf around his neck. The minute Gon’s eyes land on him, he lights up. His smile grows so wide that Killua hitches the scarf up higher around his face to hide his nervous mouth.

“It’s cold,” he says defensively and walks past them outside.

 

 

  
_V._

They have to move. Two months at Ikalgo’s house was almost too long. Killua enjoys the night breeze on his skin. There is a spark in him that always starts when they travel. He misses it.

He had also missed the warm presence by his side.

  
(but things change)

  
“Killua.” Gon’s voice is quiet.  
  
Killua hums in response while stroking Alluka’s hair.

“You can go to sleep. I don’t mind staying awake.”

“It’s fine,” Killua says. “I can still stay awake two or three days without sleeping.” It’s the longest sentence he’s probably said to Gon in a few days. Gon seems to take Killua speaking again as a sign that he's softening. He isn’t. Killua just knew that Gon just needed to feel that everything was normal again before he took off. Gon has always been stubborn, it's easier for Killua to let him think he had won.

  
“Why don’t you let people help you, Killua?” Gon sounds sad.

“Because they always leave.”

A slight breeze playing with the leaves is the only sound for a few moments and Killua feels morbidly satisfied. Gon has rallies and recovers relatively quickly, however. 

Gon turns so he's facing Killua. He's sitting on his heels and looking at him with a frown. He puts a hesitant hand to Killua’s face. When Killua doesn't move away, Gon’s thumb slides across Killua's cheekbone and dips his fingers into his hair. Killua lets out a satisfied sigh despite himself and lets his head sink into the cradle of Gon's palm.

“Killua, go to sleep. You'll be safe. I promise,” he says softly. Killua's eyes are closed and he holds his breath, thinking. But is it even a choice? A sigh slips from his lips again, but this time in defeat. He curls up around Alluka, and closes his eyes. Gon's hand stays in his hair, stroking softly.

 

 

  
_VI._

“Why are you still here? Leave.” Killua turns his face away, cheek pressed into his folded arms. Tears are flowing freely down his face, welling up and spilling over again and again.

They had left Alluka behind at Bisky’s. Now they were here, alone, where Killua couldn't run away anymore. (from himself or Gon)

“I can't be around you anymore, Gon. Please.”

Everything is silent around them. Killua holds his breath.

“Okay, Killua, if you really want me to.”

And Gon disappears.

Killua waits a heartbeat and looks up. When sees the mountain ledge around him empty, he starts to sob. Ugly, choked sobs that catch in his throat on the way out. Killua buries his head in his arms, shoulders shaking. One minute, maybe two minutes later, he feels a pair of strong arms wrapping around him and one hand sneaking into his hair to press him to his chest. Killua looks up at him with tear-stained eyes.

“I heard you across the valley,” Gon explains, stroking Killua’s hair rhythmically. He smiles a little ruefully. “You were really loud.” Killua doesn't dignify this with an answer. He pushes his face deeper in Gon’s shirt, still crying, but silently now. Gon continues to stroke Killua’s hair, making small shushing noises.

“I’m sorry, Killua. I’m so sorry. I hurt you so much. I wish I could take it all back. I never wanted to hurt you like this.” Gon holds Killua tighter. “I’m so sorry. I wish I could take it all back. I don't know what else to do, Killua.”

Killua pulls away from Gon and looks at him. He shakes his head. “Selfish,” he croaks through his raw throat. “Selfish.” Killua looks at his hands. “I can’t trust you anymore, Gon.”

Gon inhales sharply and Killua finds himself roughly pulled forward into Gon’s chest again. Gon puts his face in Killua’s hair and is silent, but Killua can feel his throat working, swallowing and swallowing words again.

“Did you know Aunt Mito hates Ging?” Gon starts. His voice is right next to Killua’s ear and Killua wants to squirm out of his grip. “I kind of hate him too. I don’t—I don't want to be like him.” Gon is looking at Killua. His fingers skate through the wetness on Killua’s cheeks.

“I don’t want to hurt the people I love most.” Killua looks away at this bitterly. Gon’s hands are gentle when they guide him back so he is looking at his brown eyes again. (they’re tired, sad, but still looking at Killua with enough fondness to make his heart break)

“And I know I already hurt you and I’m not giving you any excuses, Killua. But please, I’ll do anything,” Gon’s voice is quiet and desperate. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I will make it up to you every single day. I promise I’ll never make you sad again. I’m never going to leave you again, Killua. I promise. I promise.”

Gon’s fingers are already at the new tears forming at the edges of Killua’s eyes, wiping them away. Killua sniffles.

“Okay,” he says, for himself (because he'll regret it for another seven years if he doesn't).

But he could see where this goes. There was a lot of healing that Killua hadn’t even started and he could see where this goes. Maybe they could be better than before.

"Okay," Killua says again. “I’m going to forgive you, but break your promise and you'll never get another chance. I’ll kill you myself.”

Gon lets out a small laugh. He's nodding emphatically. “I won't,” he says, voice earnest and eyes determined. “I promise.” He passes his fingers over Killua's cheeks again. "Now, please stop crying. You're too pretty to cry, Killua."

Killua snorts and he’s pretty sure snot drips out of his nose and onto his upper lip. He wipes it away with his sweater sleeve.

  
“Okay.”

 

 

_VII._

_Another Promise:_

  
“I promise to always stay by your side, Killua, and never make you sad and if I do make you sad, accidentally, then I'll make up for it with a thousand kisses. And I promise to be with you for better or for worse, in sickness and in health, forever and always. For all the days of my life.”

“Gon! Did—did you just try to marry me?!?”

“Maybe.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> I debated so hard about Gon calling Killua baby. Like oh man, was it comical or emotional? It just appeared while I was thinking about what he'd say, so, I went with it. He's a grown-ass man in this right? He can call Killua baby...?
> 
> ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ Hit me up on the tumblr if you wanna chat (montgomery-rain.tumblr.com)


End file.
